I wish I wasn’t writing this post.
I was walking around in the fabric store yesterday when I got a simple text from my mom.
Did you hear about Chris V?
My heart dropped. I looked at the corner of my phone screen and saw that I had missed a text from my 17 year old son, Riley.
Did you hear Chris committed suicide?
Shocked…I stumbled a few steps from Anna and Destiny, trying to compose myself.
Not Christopher. Our weekend boy. We called him Christopher Robin. He was barely 19. Landon met him on the first day of first grade and they became fast friends. Truly, Landon’s only friend from school. Both Landon and Riley’s best friend. For years I watched them be boys together. Hunting, fishing, riding dirtbikes, finding treasures. I put bandaids on wounds and fed him. Many a Sunday after church we would bounce down the dirt road that led to his house and drop him off.
Goodbye, Christoper Robin, come again!
It was always a pleasure to have him. He was sweet and respectful. We hasn’t come around as much, lately. So when he came over a few weeks ago I walked across the sidewalk to where Landon lives in the guest house so that I could say hello. He was was playing a video game. I greeted him and he turned to me with a warm hello before fixing his eyes on the screen again. It was nice to see him again, he is like family and I had missed him. I wished he would come around more often. I sat and watched them for awhile with words unspoken on my heart. How have you been? What are your plans? Is there anything I can do to help you? Life is full of hope and possibilities. You are welcome here anytime.
I sat for awhile longer watching them, at a loss for spoken words like I always am with these big boys. Silently asking God is there anything that I can say that will make a difference in these boys’ life? I get up and tell them goodnight. We send Landon a text that says “be a good example to your friend, be a light”. I felt hopeful.
The boys had plans to go fishing with him this Friday.
I am so sad that he is gone. I am sad to see my big boys hurting, but am holding fast to Matthew 5:4 that blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Aren’t we closest to God in our sorrow? My heart is heavy for his mom and dad and 2 brothers. I don’t really know them, but I know that they are in a lot of pain right now. Please pray for them and for us and for my big boys, especially my big boys. And for all those hurting so badly that they would take their own life.
this is a song my friend, Eve, shared with my boys
(looking at his photo for the umpteenth time, I am struck by the cross in the fenceposts..I am reminded of hope:)
Jen, I’m so sorry, hon. You are such a wonderful mother — even to those you have not birthed.
I know you and your tender heart will minister beautifully to your boys and to Christopher’s family.
I’ll pray for grace as you set about doing so…
No one can know the dark parts of another’s soul/heart/mind… some who trip through life as though on a cloud can sometimes be inwardly some of the most hurting. It doesn’t always present itself outwardly as we might wish or expect it to… Sometimes there is no sign, no warning. As you know.
No one can know another’s heart — another’s inner pain. I am absolutely sure he felt loved when around you and your family — how could he not?
Jen, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and the loss for your boys. Suicide is such a scary and difficult thing to process and/or understand. Prayers to all.
aww..my heart is breaking for you,your boys and Chris’ family! I will be praying! I really have no words…death is hard but with suicide it has got to be harder…you are a great Mom Jen! Love to you all!
I’m so sorry-
Ohhh…Jen, I am so sorry. I’m praying for you all…for your big boys, ahh…so sad. I’m praying. : ( Thank you for being such a light for the Lord.
So sorry to hear this! Praying for you and Christopher’s family. Love the song too, thank you for including it with your post. 🙂 Praying, praying, praying!!!
There are really no words to express how sorry I am. I will be praying for your family and Christopher’s.
Dear Jen.. I am full of my own set of tears reading this. Strange how I knew what your words would detail just by looking at the typed name and photo. For a moment I forced a pause to hope I was wrong. That is the strength of a mother’s instinct. And although it is strong, it doesn’t allow us to prevent all circumstances. I am so very sadden for your boys and for you and your entire family as you’ll process this pain and make any sense of this loss. My own son, my absolutely wonderful, handsome, intelligent and kind 13 year old young man told me less than a year ago that he wanted to kill himself. Such a low brought on by pubescent self doubt and just the right school bulling. He is my oldest…truly my dearest. He is big and strong physically but so sensitive. These emotions were so unexpected though. Although he is better now, it is a worry that never leaves me. I shared this post with him. We talked and cried. This has given a true image to the pain felt by loved ones when a treasured soul is lost. Calm your heart and hold your children close.
You are in my prayers tonight. Lisa
Oh gosh, my evening prayers will include this family.
I look at this young mans hand resting so gently on this old dogs coat, perhaps feeling the warmth there. And the cross in the fenceposts like the old rugged cross. Cling to the old rugged cross. Love and prayers from Sc to you all so far but yet so near.
I get emotional every time I see this pic. He is way too young to be gone.
Im so sorry to hear this. I will pray for his family, your boys and your family as well. This is a tragedy. I feel so incredibly sad for his family and all that knew him. I lost my only daughter in january this year (not to suicide but her death was very sudden). Its so hard to lose a child, its not how its ment to be so i know some of how his family will be feeling at the moment and their road ahead.
In Australia they have RU OK day. Google it and it will tell you all about it. Maybe they do something similar in the US. I think everyday should be RU OK day.
I am so sorry. My heart is aching for you. I wish I could reach through the screen, hug him tight and tell him whatever he needed to hear to give him courage and strength. Hugs to you.
I am sooo sad and heart broken to hear this. This has brought me to tears. I don’t know your family, nor this young man (I came upon your blog some time ago), but at time like this….that doesn’t even matter. Know that many of us are praying for you, your boys, Chris, Chris’s family. May you have strength and peace.
I am so sorry for you, and his, family’s loss. Praying for your boys. My brother has dealt with several friends committing suicide and I know it hits hard.
i am so praying for you, your boys and this boy’s family… so sorry for the loss of this young boy…
My heart aches when I read a story like this. One never knows the torment that another carries in their soul. Praying for you and your boys. Christopher sounds like he was a wonderful young man.
Dear Jen.. I am so so sorry to hear of your loss.. and for the pain your boys and well for all your pain.. I truly cannot imagine what would make that young so sad and feel so hopeless that taking his own life seemed like the best choice.. It breaks my heart that young people don’t realize that its really just temporary.. whatever it is. and that things do get better.. Recently we had a boy in our area kill himself ( it made the national news ) because he killed himself due to bullying and being picked on and bullied by kids at his school.. noone had a clue he would do this.. I just wish that these young people would know.. it will get better maybe not tomorrow but soon.. My heart goes out to you all.. to your family and to Christopher’s family as well.. and to all the people whose lives he touched. It happens too much.. I wish I knew the right things to say.. Rest in Peace Dear Christopher.
That cross in the fencepost makes me wonder if it was gods plan to take him while he was young, and maybe we shouldn’t be sad. But, he’s in a better place now. When my family and friends pass away, it’s a normal slow sweep of sorrow, then the cup o tears, but in the proccess, I remember that they are watching me, and they are with the lord, and it gives me strength, knowing that it hurts them to watch me hurting, so, I know they are with me, and i get up, and i enjoy life like they would want me to. I hope that Landon, Riley, and all of christphers loved ones are hurting less and less every day, and Jen, I’m really sorry this happened:(
I am sorry, that is so sad.
[…] a moment of sadness when I saw this 11 year old journal entry about Christopher Robin […]